I have a huge big blott of problems...nothing too dramatic or oh-gosh-its-the-end-of-the-world sort of thing...i'm not poor, or being kicked out of my home, nor pregnant, nor living in a foreign country illegally...nothing of the sort. But problems are problems and when you feel like you're stuck, confused, at a crossroad not knowing where to turn, not hearing well the voice of God or not being able to distinguish which of the thousand voices in your head is His, this affects your life. I feel so disappointed in myself, for a lot of reasons...you see I know that the past has been washed away and sins forgiven, thank God!, but these wounds have left permanent scars (well permanent in the sense that they'll be there for as long as I live on this planet) But the effect the scars have made on my life at the present time can be fixed I just don't know how.
1. I don't have friends, really, friends as in "Lets go to church this sunday i'll pick you up, lets start that bible reading group you've wanted....really?? we should talk to our pastor about that idea.....so how's things with ___?" you know, the kind of person I can actually talk to about anything and everything and would actually understand (and yes that includes my being Christian...it truly is a problem when you can't really talk about your issues with God to a person who doesn't see God the way you do)
2. I don't know how to approach people with my problems, meaning my pastor, my youth pastor, etc..
3. I don't know how to approach people in search for their friendship...due to my problems in the past I have lost trust in people in general and as a mechanism of defense I guard my heart by shuting others out of my life...i know its terrible but I don't know how to fix it..and please spare the "praying for it" because i've done it and I know it takes more than praying and patience, it takes something I am lacking..
4. I would really love it if my family finally understood that i'm christian, that i'm never going back to the catholic church, not because I hate it or anything but because I like my new church better. I would love it if they would accept that my children will not be raised the catholic way, nor will I get married on a catholic church, nor will I live or at least have any desire of living here. I wish they would understand that I have my own life and they should let me live it, instead of wanting me to do whatever they had planned for me.
5. I would really love it if people finally understood that I HATE parties, I certainly don't like alcohol anymore and will not drink it if it was the last liquid on earth. If they'd get that I'm not the crazy bubbly girl I used to be and I love it this way, i don't need their sympathetic looks like i'm missing out on something, if anyone is missing out on something it is them. Missing out on the greatest Truth one could ever know.
6. I know my great er umm friend Ed said that we are being used by God every second of our lives, or something along those lines, and I fervently believe that but I would really love it if God gave me the strength and courage to put my, well His ideas through me, out there and finally be used to do something huge.
7. I haven't been reading my bible like I should, I've been skipping church a little too much and the book I've been reading although its exactly what the "doctor" preescribed the way I'm handling myself spiritually it is doing absolutely nothing...its ironic how I have this enormous patience when it comes to doing things and waiting, but when it comes to seeing actual results I get really desperate.
And well tis the end of my not so mini rant i've been keeping inside of me...
May the Lord bless and keep you all!
PS: Oh and if anyone out there in this huge cyberspace happens to stumble accross this space and feel that he/she can help me and/or will pray for me, it is greatly appreciated in advanced!!