Looking Up

Well things seem to be looking up for me, although the situations i'm facing are still here I'm yet again reminded of God's promises, the risks I've assumed, the sacrifices, the path I'm treading. Last wednesday was comunion day at my church and I was glad to assist. Arriving brokenhearted and with the lamp of my soul fading and left filled with God's Holy Spirit. Left only to arrive to a place where darkness reigns in every corner, and where keeping this light bright and shinning is a struggle. But I extend my hand out waiting for God to grab it and tell me everything will be ok. Comfort words that are every where if I only sought them.
I wish I didn't complain so much. I offered myself to be a servant and I have done a crappy job as one. You start at home before you can be one out there, but if right here at home I can't contain myself from complaining and muttering words of discomfort, and this is when you realize you need to stop, look up and pray.
Dearest God I know You said this wasn't going to be easy and I'm sorry I've failed to understand it. But God as merciful as always, today sent words of hope and encouragement pointed my way. Today's sermon was about God's Holiness. How precious His Holiness is. How important it is for us to know He is Holy, and how there is no comparison between God and us. But also how He, througout the bible, stresses the importance for His people to know that we have to be holy because He is holy. Meaning for us to have a good relationship with God we have to recognize that He is holy, that He cannot come in contact with Sin, so we have to step away from everything and anything that might taint His precious Holiness. Meaning we have to lead a life of sanctity because He is Holy. The sheer desire of wanting to be with Him is not enough if we don't strive to live a life of sanctity. This message to others might not sound hopeful, but to me and God knows why, it gave me all the Hope I was searching for.
Another light shed my way was being able to step out of my box and seek advice and someone who'll listen. After church today I went to Ms. Persia's house and oh surprise food was waiting there for me as well!! :D well thats besides the point, the thing is I felt so relieved for the first time in a long time. Writing about my feelings and my situations is ok, but to have someone to talk to is even better. And this doesn't mean that God isn't enough, God wants us to reach out to others in need and to let yourself be reached by others when needed.
As hard as this walk may be, I'm more than thankful to be in it. To be part of God's family. To be in the Truth and not wondering if there is more to life. I'm blessed inmensly and I owe it all to what Christ did for you and me.
May God bless you all!, May you proclaim His name as Holy!! King of Kings!! The Great I am! And if you as well are struggling know that God is here, that Christ is alive, that His promises will never fade!
Rita M.

Oh and yeah...

If that weren't enough I'm dyingggg to get married and have babies...I knitted my first baby hat (does this count as nesting even though I'm not married nor in a relationship at the time?) I was at my aunts house today, we went shopping for yarn and needles and such so I decided to spend the day at her house. Both my cousins' sons were there (my aunt's daughters) one of them went to sleep with his mom so I stayed with the other little one and we had so much fun together, I read him the Jungle book and we played with this green stuffed frog and a winnie the pooh stuffed animal...pretending i was ms. Frog (or was it a toad?) and he was mr. Bear...waaaaaaa :'( and we watched cartoons...and anyway..i'm dying to do all of these things with my own little ones one day but it just seems like tomorrow is never going to come...The weird part about it all is that I look back and notice how time has flown by, but I think about the future (not worried about it, more like hmm in this or that amount of years i'd like to do this...but let God's will be done, even though I have plans I know God has His..and well better His plans than mine that is for sure!)..it seems like the future is a million years away...so there...that really is the end of my not so mini rant.

My not so mini rant on my current situation

I have a huge big blott of problems...nothing too dramatic or oh-gosh-its-the-end-of-the-world sort of thing...i'm not poor, or being kicked out of my home, nor pregnant, nor living in a foreign country illegally...nothing of the sort. But problems are problems and when you feel like you're stuck, confused, at a crossroad not knowing where to turn, not hearing well the voice of God or not being able to distinguish which of the thousand voices in your head is His, this affects your life. I feel so disappointed in myself, for a lot of reasons...you see I know that the past has been washed away and sins forgiven, thank God!, but these wounds have left permanent scars (well permanent in the sense that they'll be there for as long as I live on this planet) But the effect the scars have made on my life at the present time can be fixed I just don't know how.
1. I don't have friends, really, friends as in "Lets go to church this sunday i'll pick you up, lets start that bible reading group you've wanted....really?? we should talk to our pastor about that idea.....so how's things with ___?" you know, the kind of person I can actually talk to about anything and everything and would actually understand (and yes that includes my being Christian...it truly is a problem when you can't really talk about your issues with God to a person who doesn't see God the way you do)
2. I don't know how to approach people with my problems, meaning my pastor, my youth pastor, etc..
3. I don't know how to approach people in search for their friendship...due to my problems in the past I have lost trust in people in general and as a mechanism of defense I guard my heart by shuting others out of my life...i know its terrible but I don't know how to fix it..and please spare the "praying for it" because i've done it and I know it takes more than praying and patience, it takes something I am lacking..
4. I would really love it if my family finally understood that i'm christian, that i'm never going back to the catholic church, not because I hate it or anything but because I like my new church better. I would love it if they would accept that my children will not be raised the catholic way, nor will I get married on a catholic church, nor will I live or at least have any desire of living here. I wish they would understand that I have my own life and they should let me live it, instead of wanting me to do whatever they had planned for me.
5. I would really love it if people finally understood that I HATE parties, I certainly don't like alcohol anymore and will not drink it if it was the last liquid on earth. If they'd get that I'm not the crazy bubbly girl I used to be and I love it this way, i don't need their sympathetic looks like i'm missing out on something, if anyone is missing out on something it is them. Missing out on the greatest Truth one could ever know.
6. I know my great er umm friend Ed said that we are being used by God every second of our lives, or something along those lines, and I fervently believe that but I would really love it if God gave me the strength and courage to put my, well His ideas through me, out there and finally be used to do something huge.
7. I haven't been reading my bible like I should, I've been skipping church a little too much and the book I've been reading although its exactly what the "doctor" preescribed the way I'm handling myself spiritually it is doing absolutely nothing...its ironic how I have this enormous patience when it comes to doing things and waiting, but when it comes to seeing actual results I get really desperate.
And well tis the end of my not so mini rant i've been keeping inside of me...
May the Lord bless and keep you all!
Rita M.

PS: Oh and if anyone out there in this huge cyberspace happens to stumble accross this space and feel that he/she can help me and/or will pray for me, it is greatly appreciated in advanced!!